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I recently saw a cringeworthy clip of Rainn Wilson, yes that Rainn Wilson, earnestly trying to explain Ta’arof (while not even being able to pronounce Tahdig). The famed Iranian art of polite refusal was reduced, predictably, to the idea of “saying no three times.” A charming simplification, perhaps, but a misleading one.
The Ritual of Misunderstanding
Ta’arof is a millennia-old Persian artform; rooted perhaps as far back as the Achaemenid Empire. It is centered on flattery, politeness, and ritualised courtesy and is not merely etiquette; it is the performance and ritualisation of it.
Because Tarof isn’t about numerical formulae. It’s not just “no means yes after the third try.” It’s not a knock-knock joke.
Onunchi, Ta’arof, and High-Context Societies
Tarof is best understood as high-context negotiation within deeply hierarchical and emotionally attuned societies; a kind of cultural Onunchi (온눈치), for those familiar with Korean sociolinguistics. It’s the art of reading the room before the room speaks. More than etiquette, Tarof is a performance of dignity through flattery, deferral, and intuition.
And that’s precisely what’s being lost; not just in Rainn’s version, but in the Westernisation of diasporic Persian culture more broadly.
The Westernisation of the Persian Diaspora
Let me be clear: I’ve met Rainn in person. He wasn’t especially sensitised to Ta'arof. But that’s what makes this all the more revealing. As Persian culture gains traction in Western media spaces; from Azizam to Fesenjoon, from Rumi quotes to Cyrus the Great memes something deeper is happening.
Diasporic Persians in the West are no longer “ethnic.” They are becoming Western ethnic, and soon, just Western.
It’s the classic three-stage process of assimilation:
Ethnic outsider
Western-adjacent
Culture bearer for the mainstream
In this framework, Westernisation is not necessarily culture; it’s a proxy for hegemonic proximity. To become Western is to become narratively dominant. It’s to explain the East to itself, without flinching.
Meanwhile, Inside Iran…
Not the Tehran elite. Not the exile cafés. The cultural center of Iran is moving East, not West. The rural, provincial, and traditional are asserting themselves. They are less secular, less bilingual, less interested in being decoded. So while diaspora Persians engage in TikTok Ta’arof explainers and Azizam-coded fashion, the cultural center of gravity within Iran is moving in the opposite direction.
The Cleavage Within Persian Identity
This creates a profound civilizational split:
Inside Iran: culture as lived, local, organic; often unreadable to Western frameworks. Ta’arof as inscrutable and high-context.
Outside Iran: culture as content; flattened, polished, performative, and exportable. Ta’arof as saying no three times.
Who Speaks for Persian Culture?
The result? Diaspora Persians increasingly believe they speak for Iran; but in reality, they speak from Tehrangeles. And as with many cultures on the brink of being flattened, the danger is not mockery. It’s sincere misrepresentation by people who mean well, look the part, and are invited onto panels.
Persian culture doesn’t need to be explained in an instagram reel. It needs to be experienced, protected; and, sometimes, refused. Like a good Ta’arof.