8 Lessons from 8 Years of Happy Marriage

8 Lessons from 8 Years of Happy Marriage

On December 19th and 20th, Dr. V and I celebrate 8 wonderful years of marriage. We had a Hindu wedding on the 19th, followed by a Bahá’í marriage on the 20th, a symbolic fusion of two cultures, two ceremonies, and one life together.

Reaching 8 years feels significant — it marks the end of the proverbial 7-year itch. After reflecting on these past years, I can say with absolute clarity: I have no regrets. The choice I made was the right one. As I scrolled through my old Instagram posts, I realized that happiness leaves breadcrumbs, and mine is a trail lined with gratitude.

Some of the best marriage advice I ever received was from people who had seen divorce up close. Those who divorce give the best advice. Here are the 8 essential lessons I’ve learned over these 8 years.

1️⃣ Two Egos Cannot Share a Bedroom

This is advice I received from a friend in a locker room, and it’s stuck with me ever since. Two egos cannot live in the same space.

If there is one truth I hold to, it’s this: I let go of my ego. I realized that, as a man already dealing with testosterone (which is itself a form of “ego fuel”), my pride could be a liability. I think of my ego as the Koh-i-Noor Diamond— it’s valuable, sure, but it can be just as valuable if it stays in a vault. Letting go of that need to “win” in every argument has been liberating. I’m better for it. Our marriage is better for it.

2️⃣ Work on Your Marriage Before You Get Married

This advice came to me from a friend in Uganda, and it might be the most important one.

Don’t wait to get married to start working on your relationship skills. Practice patience, kindness, empathy, and communication in every relationship. You don’t become “marriage material” the day you get married. You need to train for it in advance, and that training starts long before you meet “the one.” If you want to be a loving, patient partner, start being loving and patient with friends, family, and even strangers.

3️⃣ If Your Marriage is Happy, You Can Take on the World

This was shared with me at B. Tap by a friend reflecting on her failed marriage. It’s simple but profound:

“If your marriage is happy, you can take on the world.”

It’s absolutely true. Whatever difficulties or stress come from the outside world, if the relationship at home is strong, the rest becomes manageable. This has been a guiding philosophy for me. I focus on making my marriage great, knowing it serves as the bedrock for everything else in life — career, family, and health.

4️⃣ Have a Common Goal

More than 20 years ago, in Cambridge, USA, a friend shared this advice while reflecting on her parents’ divorce. She said, “They had nothing to build together. Their marriage had no mission.” At the time, I dismissed it as a typical “American obsession with life-planning”, but the wisdom of it hit me later.

“If your marriage doesn’t have a shared purpose, it will fade.”

Dr. V and I have common goals — both as individuals and as a couple. We build toward something together, whether that’s supporting each other’s careers, growing our family, or making our house a home. It’s easy to drift apart if you aren’t moving toward a shared goal.

5️⃣ Never Ever Stop Growing

This one is my own. It’s a truth I live by.

A relationship is like a garden — if it doesn’t grow, it decays.

The moment you stop growing together, you risk falling apart. Dr. V and I are both growth-obsessed people, and that mindset feeds our marriage. We both have strong personal ambitions and dreams, but we remain synchronized. Growth comes in many forms: career, family, dogs (yes, dogs count), and shared dreams. If you want your marriage to grow, you need to embed “growth agents” into it. These could be children, pets, careers, travel, or creative pursuits — anything that keeps you both excited for what’s next.

6️⃣ The Three-Strike Rule for Relationships

This lesson isn’t just for marriage but for all relationships. A friend shared this concept with me, and I’ve applied it ever since.

If someone lets you down three times, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.

It’s not about being petty. It’s about protecting your emotional bandwidth. You can’t nurture every relationship in your life with the same intensity. I’ve had to step away from certain friendships, and I’ve done so with grace (most of the time). I think of it like a “distance and proximity” model. Some people should be close, others should remain at arm’s length. A wise friend once said:

“Doori Doosti” — Distance breeds good friendship.

Apply this to your marriage as well. You don’t have to fix every single disagreement or “win” every argument. Sometimes space is what’s needed.

7️⃣ Have Another Great Love Beyond Your Marriage

This is the most Bahá’í of lessons on this list. My deepest love is for my Creator, and from that love, I can pour love into Dr. V and others around me.

“If the husband preventeth his wife from entering into the Light, or the wife preventeth the husband from entering into the Kingdom of God…”

— ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, v3, p. 609

If your love for your spouse is the only source of light in your life, it becomes an obsession. This is a recipe for failure. Love is an endless ocean, not a finite pond. By grounding my love in something greater than my marriage, I have been able to pour love more freely into it. My love for God flows into my love for Dr. V.

8️⃣ Disrespect Breaks a Marriage Faster Than Loss of Love

I read this in the New York Times years ago, and it stayed with me.

“Disrespect breaks a marriage faster than the loss of love.”

People think love is the foundation, but it’s not. Respect is. Love is an emotion — and emotions are fragile. Respect is a principle, and principles endure. Even in moments of frustration or difficulty, respect should never be broken. Marriages decay when respect erodes.Love can be rekindled, but broken respect is much harder to rebuild.

Bonus Lesson 9️⃣ We Are Always Marrying and Divorcing People in Our Lives

This is more philosophical, but it’s the truth. We aren’t just married to our spouse — we’re “married” to family, friends, colleagues, and business partners.

“No relationship should have only positive encounters.”

The best relationships follow the 5:1 rule — five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Relationships that have only positive encounters are likely shallow. The “negative” moments test the strength of the bond. They introduce pushback, healthy disagreement, and refinement. I don’t cut people off unless the three-strike rule is met, but I do understand that “divorcing” certain friendships or partnerships is necessary for personal growth.

Final Reflection on Compromise

Compromise is overrated.

This may sound controversial, but let me explain.

When people argue for “compromise” in marriage, what they’re really asking for is to split things in the middle — but what if one of you is clearly right? I believe in a more nuanced view.

“Sometimes you are both right. Sometimes you are both wrong. And sometimes, one of you is just right.”

If you truly respect each other (Lesson 8), you should be able to say, “You are right, and I was wrong.” Compromise should not be a ritualized 50/50 split of every disagreement. It’s about finding truth, not balance.

Closing Thoughts

Eight years later, I’m not just happy — I’m certain.

A happy marriage is a garden that grows every day. It’s a dance between ego and surrender, love and respect, proximity and distance. I’m grateful for Dr. V and grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

If you take nothing else from this, take this:

Don’t wait until marriage to prepare for marriage.

Prepare for it every day. Be someone who gives love freely and allows it to grow.